This is a personal account of a 15 year relationship with an abuser which describes my physical and moreso emotional abuse. Also mentioned is sexual abuse, extreme porn and mental illness. There is a theme of minimising in this writing, as you can see I’ve been well trained. My abuser led the way with his dumbing down so much so, I do it to myself.
The first thing that comes to mind for most people when thinking or talking about domestic abuse is physical violence. The absence of that and the serious nature suddenly fades. In this particular relationship, I can count the occasions of physical violence against me, on one hand. I view these occasions as nothing when I compare to what others go through. They were relatively “mild” in the sense that there was no blood, no broken bones, no scars, and no murder. Pretty low bar, I know. These incidents were;
- I was kicked repeatedly by a man literally twice my size. I am 9 stone, he is double.
- An isolated incident of throwing hot food at me. It was a joke apparently, fucking hilarious
- He once fell on me whilst I was heavily pregnant. Like I say, he was twice my size. I was crying. He wouldn’t move, he laughed and mocked me for crying
- Pushing and shoving. This is something that may not be associated with physical violence but when coupled with a threat of throwing me down the stairs it felt very physical
Sexual abuse was a frequent occurance towards the end of the marriage. The only affect this has on me now is I cringe at the thought of him anywhere near me. I do not feel trauma, it is more like … why the hell did I let that fat sweaty creep anywhere near me? It’s tough to talk about due to common misconceptions about consent within marriage, for example as his friend nicely pointed out to me, “If he has abused you, why are you sharing a bed tonight?” and I still ask myself why I was so stupid. I was worried sexual abuse would be the thing to have the most detrimental affect in my recovery. To my suprise I was very quickly cured of this fear when an absolute gorgeous man introduced me to red hot consensual sex. And from then on I accepted nothing less! I still don’t.
Emotional abuse. This can take countless forms but for me I have now identified it was a 3 step process, 3 layers if you will. It took many years to build up, “small” things at first getting more extreme as the years went by.
STEP 1 BEHAVIOUR
Some of these behaviours alone are “not that bad” but when you put them into the context of an abusive relationship it becomes another layer of abuse.
- Watching extreme porn, including beastiality (animal sexual abuse)on MY computer. Apparently it was curiosity not arousal.
- Arranging to meet me and not showing up
- Ignoring
- Gambling to excess
- Pretending to be at work whilst out on cocaine and alcohol binges
- Staying in bed all day to sleep off “work”
- Being absent, literally and emotionally as a husband and father
- Telling me to fuck off when trying to wake him up for work
STEP 2 REACTION
As if all that bullshit wasn’t bad enough, next was his reaction to my dislike of his behaviour. This was cocktail of; mocking me for being upset, dumbing down, excusing or just downright denying. He was a compulsive and consistent liar. He was so convincing even when confronted with proof. He had a story or answer for everything
Here is where it gets super fucked up…..
STEP 3 GASLIGHTING
After the lies came the gaslighting. I can generally describe this as making me consistently doubt myself and my sanity. I was led to believe I had imagined smells, sights, conversations and experiences and even the abuse itself. I shall give one example, this was an almost weekly occurance. It is 6am he comes home from “work” I greet him with;
“Hey dickhead, the kids will be up soon and you are drugged up to the eyeballs WTF is wrong with you?”
He convinces me that I am imagining his jaw sliding all over his face and my own nose is imagining the smell of a brewery. He is adamant he has had just a couple of drinks and is simply tired. How DARE I give him grief when he works all these long unsocialble hours to provide for our family.
The question I asked the most in our marriage was this;
“Are you telling me I am imagining this?” His answer was always a shrug. Fucking nasty evil bastard. I was convinced I had imagined or exaggerated so much of his behaviour over the years, I did not know what was true anymore. When I talked, I was accused of screaming, shouting “going mental” He STILL does this.
I presented to my doctor with these symptoms of anxiety, unexplained fear, not being sure what is real and depression. I was diagnosed with cyclothymia which is a mild version of bipolar. The medication did not work of course, the doctors kept doubling the dose to see if that would help. I started having side effects including panic attacks for which I was prescribed beta blockers. I was fucked. A shell of a person.
After the relationship ended I was feeling seriously mentally ill. After a full psychological assesment with a trained professional, a new and correct medical opinion is formed. I did not have a mental illness. I had been abused and was suffering as a result. Once the painful process of getting me slowly off medications was over, I could start to heal.
The repurcussions of this toxic relationship have been exhausting. After years of therapy and self help, I was feeling in a place where I was free and recovering. My abuser must have had some sense I was thriving and needed to headfuck me all over again. During what I call my year of cancer and covid hell, he ramped up his bullshit. Ignoring, no financial help, lying and general fuckwittery. All of course topped off with “ I have never done that, said that, behaved like that. I am not being passive aggressive, there is no problem” I know the truth now even if nobody else does.
I have done and experienced some fucked up shit! but out of everything I have been through, gaslighting is the most horrific thing I have ever experienced in my entire life.
And so I find myself writing all about my abuse. It is a way of getting it in writing and off my chest but also I would like to think it may help others. Maybe those who minimise too. Maybe it could help someone recognise early warning signs. Those Red flags that are often talked about. I did see them at the time but he made me doubt my gut feelings, logic and rational thoughts by explaining everything away. Always listen to your gut.
Domestic Violence Support | The National Domestic Violence Hotline (thehotline.org)
